Joan Bakewell: happily married and having an affair
1 Dec Cheating happens. And according to Dr. Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills-based family and relationship psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent, men are more prone to straying than women are. Of course, they cheat for a multitude of reasons, because relationships — and people — are complex. 2 Nov For me, that's the burning brightness of The Affair. This show triggers. It wants us to question, it wants us to not know, and it asks us to tolerate ambiguity, which of course isn't a comfortable feeling. 23 Nov However, Connie and Edward's marriage appears a happy one. While Connie's In fact, for this husband and wife, marriage is their only emotional lifeline. Being each Similarly, while Edward never confronts his wife about her affair, he lets his anger out by getting into a fight with her lover. Thus, the affair.
By Max Belkin, Ph. As romantic relationships flourish and mature, lovers become emotionally dependent on each other.
In an effort to make love feel safe, many couples try to rid their shared life of anything risky and destabilizing.
Connie, a stay-at-home married mom in her forties, is cheating on her gentle and caring husband Edward with a young and sexy Frenchman named Paul. According to conventional wisdomConnie's infidelity is a symptom of her dissatisfaction with her marriagean unexpressed desire to end it. The struggle to experience both love and desire within the confines of a monogamous relationship reflects the predicament of many couples.
For Edward and Connie, like for many other couples, http://hookupsvip.info/hookup/15871587h-dating-15871587q.php spouse is a co-parent, a soul mate, Happily Married And Having An Affair a lover, all folded into one irreplaceable fragile human being. In fact, for this husband and wife, marriage is their only emotional lifeline.
For many middle-aged individuals, like the Sumners, mortality becomes more real and frightening. Having watched parents or grandparents bury their life partners, most have witnessed the emotional devastation of such loss.
So it is possible that, among other reasons, Connie turned to Paul to make herself less emotionally dependent on her husband. Lust is not politically correct.
Breaking taboos, aggression, exhibitionismsubmission, and domination are powerful aphrodisiacs for many folks.
Thus, in order to keep marriages calm and predictable, many people channel their erotic passion into extramarital affairs. Cultivating both love and desire towards one's life partner requires tolerating conflicting feelings: We often acknowledge only comfort-inducing parts of ourselves and our partners, while ignoring the anxiety-provoking parts. Conforming to his wife's expectations, Edward moves, smiles, and talks like a middle-aged Teddy Bear.
Similarly, as part of the tacit agreement to keep lust out of their relationship, Edward views Connie played by Diane Lane as predictable, motherly, and incapable of risk or adventure. And for a while, she complies.
7 reasons even the HAPPIEST husbands cheat
Both husband and wife are complicit in selectively overlooking the erotic—and thus potentially destabilizing and nerve-racking-- aspects of themselves and their partner. Edward's and Connie's unacknowledged and unexpressed lust and aggression find expression in their emotional triangle with Paul.
While Connie is unconsciously invested in keeping her marriage predictable by treating her husband as a man-child, she directs her erotic passion toward Paul. Although in the marital bed Connie allows only the gentle, loving parts of herself expression, in her extramarital affair, she luxuriates in domination and submission. For instance, with Paul, Connie is game for hitting, spanking, and having sex in public places. Similarly, while Edward never confronts his wife about her affair, he lets his anger out by getting into a fight with her lover.
Thus, the affair allows both of them to experience and express their unacknowledged lust and aggression without jeopardizing their loving marriage.
Whenever people trade eroticism for the illusion of security, their romance turns stale and bloodless. Routine and predictability, the two pillars of stability, tend to stifle erotic spontaneity Happily Married And Having An Affair creativity. In contrast, veiled-in-secrecy and risk-taking extramarital affairs tend to fill lovers with excitement and titillation. However, affairs carry a hefty price tag.
Just like Connie, other married people who cheat eventually get tired of lying and feeling guilty. Afraid they will break up, some couples turn to marriage counseling to unpack the meaning of the affair, and to rekindle love and desire.
Connie and Edward Sumner would make perfect candidates for such an endeavor. Marriage counseling to the rescue. The therapist would help them to discuss what turns them on, and to manage the anxiety and guilt evoked by their erotic desires.
The goal would be to help Connie and Edward construct new ways of tolerating the tensions between love and lust, autonomy and dependence, and tenderness and aggression. He teaches graduate courses in couples counseling and individual psychotherapy at NYU. Living in isolation with a spouse, with little outside relationships or support, is too much for a marriage to bear.
People generally need more support than only one other person.
Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved - 100 Free Sex Hookup!
All marriages - every single one on the planet - eventually end in tears - either through divorce or death. If it were reversed and her husband was having the affair, this article would have a very judgmental tone. She is using Edward, I feel sorry for a man that thinks he is loved when he is just a meal ticket to an evil person. Just to feel smug?
1. He gets a rush from behaving badly …
Without morality we certainly would have less destructive societies and not that many unbearably self-righteous people While the evil person comment is harsh, your rejection of morality is cause for concern. Murder, theft, revenge, lying,gossip, abuse etc all break morals. Are you saying those things are okay or do you not really understand the definition of morality? The article only describes Connie's psychology.
It doesn't paint in any kind of light at all, unless you take it as positive paint that she's not morally condemned in the article. If it were reversed?
Well, it wasn't so that assumption is your complete fantasy. So you're making no point whatsoever. But you might be right about some women. Just like some men feel likewise entitled to use women. But as a generalization, that "all women" or "all this and that" are scum blah blah blah just sounds like a dummy talking. I agree Guylm, if a person is happy in their relationship or marriage Happily Married And Having An Affair would never deliberately hurt the person they relay loved.
If however Happily Married And Having An Affair person did not love or respect their partner, they would of course fulfill only their desires.
As it appears Connie has here. If you define a "happy marriage" to mean "a marriage with no cheating", then of course, viola, you're right. But real marriages are so varied and have so many differing priorities. And people can differ quite a lot how they react to infidelity. And some people can be quite happy with many aspects of a marriage even if one area remains neglected. And for some, that can lead to temptation in some cases.
That doesn't automatically mean that they don't love their spouse. That tipping point whether they give in to temptation or not is not one-to-one lockstep logically tied to their marriage being "happy" vs. It's just not that simple.
Though you make statements that end up being logically correct by precisely defining "happy marriage" to be anything you wish. Couples would not have to partake in lying and deceit if perhaps there was discussion and understanding just click for source having sex with another partner.
I've seen happily married open or understanding couples, and personally know one that just celebrated 15 years of wonderful marriage.
I feel it is all about honesty, communication and a complete disregard of the judgement from other people. Indeed, that can work well for some couples like the one in the movie. It's certainly preferable to the consequences of the dishonesty and secrecy in the movie.
I can understand exactly where Connie is coming from. My source is 20 years older and we have been together 18 years.
Privacy is the endangered species in between two extremes of secrecy and transparency. She creates beautiful things with her experience in writing, graphic design, photography, video and music. Both husband and wife are complicit in selectively overlooking the erotic—and thus potentially destabilizing and nerve-racking-- aspects of themselves and their partner.
We love each other very much and have built a good life. To divorce would be emotionally and financially devastating to us both. He has loosened the leash for me a bit anyway and it helps me to be more fulfilled. Seems funny that only the women are cheating in the marriages.
Lets hear from some of the men cheating on their wives. It is alarming to me that we have psychologists proclaiming that people in happy marriages Happily Married And Having An Affair as though it is perfectly ok and nothing to be alarmed about.
Cheating is reflective of a very alarming dysfunctional and disruptive pattern. It is a pattern that shows the partners are emotionally cut off from each other when it comes to their deepest needs for secure attachment and emotional openness.
People who are securely attached, emotionally open and responsive to each other don't cheat. THAT is a happy marriage. The marriages where the passion still exists. Not ones that fulfill other needs such as the convenience and utility of a relationship but Happily Married And Having An Affair passion, where passion is left to be discovered outside the marriage.
These marriages may appear happy on the outside; they may be perfectly acceptable to the people in click the following article, who have learnt to compartmentalize their needs but it is not my opinion of a "happy marriage. Oh, Kelly, come on! You set yourself up by using words like 'cheating'. If you were more mature you would see life for what it is - that some things are simply mutually exclusive and that trade-offs are required.
Just because you have erected this otherworldly ideal where some ideal other human being is your wish-fulfilling machine does not mean this is real. It is not even an ideal.
Just like some men feel likewise entitled to use women. Because it feels wrong, it feels good," says Dr. Stephen took the kids to the cinema that weekend.
If you stop telling yourself that life is unbearable unless gilded in some halothings would not be so terrible after all You source like relationships without infidelity don't exist and fidelity is a myth. Just because you think infidelity is okay doesn't mean everyone is like you and thus no one is entirely faithful. What a great article, as evidenced by the flurry of comments you've garnered.
I appreciate that you've used film to illustrate and shed light upon on complex and, often anxiety-provoking dynamics. I found myself riveted as I read - an unusual occurrence when I'm reading pop psychology blogs. I'd love to see more articles on this, including articles that address how one might make a non-sexually monogamous long-term, committed relationship work.